I am delighted to introduce you to Laura Landgraf. She is an author, activist, speaker, and life coach whose mission is to empower adult survivors of childhood abuse.
In one of her recent blogs, Laura spoke into the lives of husbands whose wives are victims/survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I’ve invited Laura to be my guest in this blog. After reading her advice to us, I encourage you and your wife to visit her site at lauralandgraf.com.
Guest Post by Laura Landgraf
We’re an exotic breed, we who were abused as kids. My husband would probably joke, “Exotic? That’s not quite how I’d define it…” I’ll ask him, and tell you a few paragraphs down. Nevertheless, it’s true. Exotic: strikingly, excitingly, or mysteriously different or unusual. Take “different or unusual” for a moment. I felt, as a child, a teenager, and then early adult that I had been plucked from a different planet and placed on earth. I walked around inside a body, but the core of me, all that was me, knew I carried the weight of the shame of our family. I was borderless, lost inside myself and knew with certainty, no one could possibly understand.
So I compensated. I became proficient at many things: pianist, guitarist, singer, equestrian, pilot, college student. Between my time in Africa and America I managed a medical station in the bush, held down two jobs in college, kept tabs on my far flung sisters, got hooked on the idea of love, married and had two children. Yet always – always I looked over my shoulder wondering who would expose me to be a fraud…damaged, perhaps beyond repair.
It took a jolt of reality, seeing my own children at risk, for me to embark on the voyage to emotional health. Healing takes time and tremendous effort; to dismantle the voices of the past, to embrace the truth that who I am now, the loving and lovable person that is me, is me because of my past.
My husband says yes to exotic inclusive of strikingly, excitingly, and mysteriously unusual. How loving is that? Our life together has not been just peaches and cream. He has unwittingly bumped up against a vulnerability of mine that required caring discussion. He has had to learn what can trigger PTS in me. And I have had to learn to talk about it. I’m fond of saying “I flunked Mind-Reading 101.” So did he. He can’t know these tender spots if I don’t tell him.
So, here are a few ideas for a spouse or partner.
•Accept your partner for who she/he is. You fell in love with this person. Their depth is so much more than you understood when you met them. They survived, able to love.
• Safety in the relationship is critical. When they first disclose, or if you’ve just come up against a vulnerability of theirs, offer a break from the conversation if things get too heated. Make sure they know that you love them, but taking ‘five’ is often a good idea.
•Sometimes it will be your spouse who needs a “time out.” Memories can need managing. When calling “time out” assure your love that “It’s not about you. It’s not about us.” The person who calls “time out” takes responsibility for calling “time in,” preferably that same day.
•Pay attention to what you’re feeling and put into words. If you aren’t sure then, say so instead of remaining silent. Silence scares. Even imperfect responses let them know that they are accepted by you. “I don’t know what to say” is better than saying nothing.
•Face the problems and work on solutions while staying sensitive to your partner – sometimes it’s best to defer things a while. This is difficult stuff. Assure them you want to come back to the discussion, when you are both ready.
•Don’t respond in kind and try not to take it personally (your partner’s anger is most likely for the abuser). When you trigger something in your spouse, or a reaction seems disproportionate to what just happened, you’re probably dealing with a carryover from childhood. It isn’t about you, but together try and sort out what triggered the response.
•There will be some very stressful times, so learn how you can deal them when they come. What will reduce anxiety for you?
•You’re in a tough situation that requires a lot of emotional energy; you won’t do everything perfectly even if your partner sometimes expects that. Care for your own physical and mental wellbeing so that you can be a supportive partner.
•Take care of your own self – you may want to get some counseling of your own (not couple counseling). Keep doing things that refresh and renew your spirit; good self-care is essential.
Your acceptance of her/his unique mosaic will confirm their newfound belief about their worth. Every time your spouse smiles, each time she/he is tender with words, a touch, or a special expression they are showing their trust in you. Since trusting again is one of the biggest hurdles your survivor faces, celebrate that gift. You are loved by a courageous, fascinating, multi-faceted work of art. Know that your partner lives in gratitude for the safety that is you.
I am the father of a son married to an abused spouse. She has all the symptoms that you and Dr. R. list. Her erratic and emotional behavior is scary and sometimes without clear direction. She will refer to her upbringing and say, “That’s what I know, that’s just the way it is.” I know that she has not had counseling and needs it. She is a believer, yet stuck in old behaviors that have my son wonder what he has been abused with himself for 10+ years. I want her to read and blog and get help It is hard because I am father-in-law and a pastoral counselor myself. I counsel other men and women in this position. I am pained by the fragility or spouse and abuse my son takes. Sadly I understand much of it, and pray constantly for healing.
Dear friend, it is so difficult for a parent or a parent-in-law to rather helplessly stand by and watch. It’s gut-wrenching. But then I think of how God, in His compassion (biblical word for compassion has the idea of bending over in pain) looks upon us. Nothing escapes His notice. As parents, or whatever family role we occupy, God calls us to intercede for others. I’m thankful that your son and daughter-in-law have you interceding for them. God hears and remembers (Exodus 2:24).